


Buried Alive By Love

by laudanum_cafe



Series: Love Metal [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 04:02:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13516182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laudanum_cafe/pseuds/laudanum_cafe
Summary: "Everything is a power struggle unless I choose to obey."Pete reflects on his relationship with Patrick.





	Buried Alive By Love

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyric excerpts from the song "Buried Alive By Love" by HIM (off their album "Love Metal").
> 
> Inspired by...things.
> 
> As always: feedback, kudos, and comments are appreciated. Also, pass by my Tumblr (@laudanumcafe) for conversation of any type.

Again the burden of losing rests upon my shoulders  
And its weight seems unbearable…

Before you say anything or decide to any place judgement on me, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I’m not stupid. I’ve never used any illusions or weaved any fairy tales about how Patrick and I function. It was a strange force that brought us together and an even more tumultuous one that seemed to want to keep us apart.

I am very well aware of any dysfunction or less than ideal treatment.

I’m known for getting what I want; setting my sights on a goal and achieving it. Relentlessness should be tattooed on my neck. I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on him that he would be the one. The one I could share my life with, the one to make music with, the one that would understand my darkness. I was wide open from the start. And yeah, maybe it was a bit much to take in for someone so unaccustomed to someone like me. 

What am I like? Pick any adjective in the dictionary and I can relate to it in some way. I’m a fucking chameleon. 

**

Your tomb is where your heart is,  
I should have told him  
But within me hid a secret so terrible…

There’s a million versions of Pete Wentz. The real me? It’s a fist sized, stainless steel ball that lives in a dark cave and surrounded by millions of protective layers of distractions. Humor, memes, reckless behavior...a flurry flurry flurry of words, smiles, a pose, a kiss. I’ve always been fascinated with the term “he wears his heart on his sleeve”. I know it’s just a turn of phrase but sometimes I interpret it quite literally. If my heart is on my sleeve, then let me take off my shirt. I’m a little more hidden the more exposed I can be. 

Besides, he loves when I’m stripped and on my knees...

I’ve always wanted nothing more than to give Patrick everything he could ever desire. He’s never been one to take to change easily so it just seemed easier for me to give in to whatever he seemed to need. I’ve always been so malleable. I’ve always been quick to transform. 

I don’t think Patrick is completely aware of how he is sometimes. The snide remarks, the lack of affection...it’s just who he is. 

We don’t fight much anymore. I do my best to put out fires before they start. He gets stressed from working 15 hour days in the studio and has no one to take out his frustrations on but me. I understand. I’ve accepted that role. It’s not ideal...but I know that if I just take it, he’ll eventually be okay. He’s brutal when he’s upset. Pulls all the punches. But you know what? When the rage dies down and he’s calmed, he’s loving and affectionate in a way that he never is on a normal basis. I think he’s pretty aware of his behaviour and feels regret. He becomes so affectionate and fills my ears with praise. It’s everything I crave for in my lonely, isolated life.

So you know what...maybe it’s worth the pain.

**

To cry is to know that you're alive  
But my river of tears has run dry  
I never wanted to fool you, no  
But a cold heart is a dead heart  
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love

He says I use my tears to manipulate people. To make people think I’m the victim. Yet when I react with nothing but stoic calm, I’m an uncaring monster. I’ve never been able to moderate myself all too well. I’ve always been so all or nothing. Feel too much or not a single thing. 

I see myself as being nothing but the most genuine. He thinks I’m a professional liar.

**

If I should die before I wake  
Pray no one my soul to take  
If I wake before I die,  
Rescue me with your smile

When I think back to Best Buy, I’m glad it didn’t end there in a desolate parking lot. But sometimes I look at what I’ve become and wonder if it would have been for the best. I couldn’t ever do that to myself again...but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t fantasize about contracting a terminal illness and just fading away. 

“I don’t want to die, but I have no life…”

**

The kiss of vanity blessed me with a spiritual murder  
And fed the gods of war insatiable…

Everything is a power struggle unless I choose to obey. 

“When your heart is a landline, every word becomes a mind crime.” 

**

Your home is where the dark is  
I should have told him  
Embrace the fire indestructible

 

Not too long ago, Patrick and I were visiting my mom. I was scrolling through my phone and half listening in on the conversation they were having when I heard my Mom and say to Patrick, “You know, Pete is so much more tame now.” I remember looking up from my phone and saw him smiling back at me. So proud. So fucking proud. 

That moment stuck with me.

“My heart is like a stallion...they love it more when it’s broke in…”

**

To die is to know that you're alive  
And my river of blood won't run dry  
I never wanted to lose you, no  
But a cold heart is a dead heart  
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love

I've been buried alive by love  
I've been buried alive by love  
Buried alive by love  
I've been buried alive by love  
I've been buried alive by love  
I've been buried alive by love

 

Sometimes I’m not sure which ending would be worse. He’s my oxygen and to leave him means I would very quickly suffocate to death. I simply cannot survive without him. But to stay...that means I’d slowly be crushed to death under the weight of all the turmoil. 

Buried alive by love.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on Tumblr @laudanumcafe


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